Aubrey's aimless blog

Misrepresentation For Survival

So it's almost August. It's been a year since the Bad August. I guess it's kind of a time for reflection, but reflection is kind of difficult on these medications. Last night I accidentally fell asleep at 4pm and woke up at midnight, so I missed my evening medications, and I'm starting to feel the effects now. I'm dizzier than usual, no matter how much water I drink. I haven't had a red letter day in a couple weeks now, which I guess is a good thing, though scratching at them has been an interesting pastime.

Since my coworkers know my penchant for stupid puns, one of them sent me a text with a picture of a cow overlayed with an awful pun. I turned it into a Joke of the Week, as you can see, complete with a very stupid cow drawing. People said the cow was super-cute, so that's something. The problem with the joke is that it's not accurate; cows are cloven-hoofed, which means they actually have two toes on each foot. And they do have feet, the feet just end in hooves.

This kind of raised the question of whether the joke was still funny even if it had a misunderstanding of the anatomy of cows, which I think is answered with a resounding yes. Pedantry is not usually appreciated in humor unless the joke is the pedantry itself. The point is conveyed and the joke understood, which is the ultimate goal. The fact that it's based on a falsehood is not relevant to the appreciation of the joke, and in fact the joke hinges on this falsehood; otherwise, it flops.

I see this sort of thing in my life; misrepresenting myself and my feelings often leads to the appropriate/desired reactions from others. My own ability to accept this misrepresentation as true for the sake of convenience is, I think, a step "forward." That's what the people want isn't it? They want me to be okay, and they don't want to be bothered by my sad thoughts, even though my ideation has been on high for the past few weeks. My therapist says that learning to accept and sit with negative thoughts and feelings is part of the practice of mindfulness, and that's what I've been trying to do. I'm too dizzy and numb most of the time to let my bad thoughts really get to me anyway, so I often don't react as I used to. In a way, in order to effect social survival, I have to temporarily trick myself into accepting the false narrative I purport. I know better, but my wooziness helps keep the truth down.

I had a Good Day a few days ago. I went out after a hard day at work with a coworker, and it was a real good time. But as has proven to be the case, the next night was super extra troubling... visual ideation actually kept me from sleeping for four hours, and I ended up with almost no sleep at all that night. Fortunately Zombie Aubs is even better at false narratives than Semi-Lucid Aubs.

In other news, I've been working through that Wednesday crosswords book. It's important to note that the puzzles were taken from 2002, 2003, and 2004, which of course means that clues involving rappers and other pop culture references task my memory more than the usual clues!! I mean come on, I was in middle school.

Cow joke
Because they lactose!